Saying goodbye to Eileen

A few months later, Paul and I were called early one morning when Eileen had another, even more devastating, stroke. She was uncommunicative. This time there was no argument - Paul, Eileen's doctor, and I were all in complete agreement about NO extraordinary measures being taken to extend her life.

We set up a rota of folks from St John's - Eileen was rarely alone. In the evening, about three days after that stroke, our friend Carole-Jean and I were sitting with Eileen. She became restless, and then it became clear to us that she was dying. We had the Book of Common Prayer with us, and Carole-Jean began reading the Commendation at the Time of Death. I have done this now for a number of friends as they died, and I find it so powerful. "Receive, Oh Lord, a lamb of your own flock, a sheep of your fold." Eileen began to bleed out from her mouth, which was not unexpected. I grabbed gloves and a towel from the bathroom so that I could keep her clean and comfortable. As she was dying, I was telling her goodbye, and telling her that I loved her -- and all the while, the solemn words of prayer were cradling her on this new journey. Eileen died after just a few minutes.

Carole-Jean and I finished the Commendation at the time of death, cleaned up Eileen, and then notified the nurses that she was gone. I called Paul, called St. John's, called the funeral director Eileen had requested. I stayed with her until they came to pick up her body.

We had the usual funeral service at St. John's -- received her body in the evening with prayers, had visting hours from 7-9PM (like a wake, but in the church). I hate open coffins... I find the custom meaningless, and for me an open coffin pretty much typifies the "american way of death." And this is the ONLY time I have ever said this... but Eileen really looked fabulous. She was almost 80, and had aged terribly in those last few months after her stroke. But the funeral director did her makeup and her hair just beautifully. After the wake, we closed Eileen's coffin and covered it with a pall, then all chanted Compline (Evening Prayer) at 9PM. For the next twelve hours, members of the parish took turns at the overnight vigil, sitting with Eileen and reciting the Psalms.

Eileen's funeral was fine, and I think she would have been pleased with her sendoff from St. John's. I did lose one argument - -I wanted "Abide With Me" as a hymn at the funeral, because those lyrics really spoke to me of Eileen's lifelong devotion. But the music director felt strongly that the old traditional hymn had no place in that liturgy ... which made me sad.

After the funeral, we processed to the back of the church... but no one was there from the funeral home, and the hearse was not there. We waited. And waited. And called the funeral home. And waited some more. It was really hard!!! And at one point someone made us all laugh by saying "Can you just *hear* Eileen saying 'Isn't this just like St John's!!!'") The hearse finally did arrive.

About two weeks later, we buried Eileen's ashes in the Memorial Garden at St John's, as she had requested. (Paul and I were surprised by how very heavy Eileen's ashes were... Paul joked with me and asked whether they might have also cremated her wheelchair... ) She is buried not far from our friend Rick, who had also been her friend.

Eileen was a feisty, funny, spunky old lady who had an amazing life despite, or maybe because of, her many many trials and tribulations... and knowing her enriched our lives immeasurably.